El Padrino

Super Bowl Video

2012-02-07T11:25:00.000-05:00

Definetely too much information.

2012-02-07T10:48:00.003-05:00

My balls are huge man. I say that seriously. I have some large ass nutsacks. Shit is uncomfortable at times. And I don't mean like, oh i have big balls lets go jump off a building or something. I mean they are just large in circumference. Big heavy balls. My wife hates my balls.

Soon 2011 will end

2011-12-30T10:51:00.002-05:00

Hey have the best 2012 you can possibly have ok. Try not to be a dick and tell your family you love them.

merry christmas

2011-12-23T16:09:00.001-05:00

Annual El Padrino Christmas List

2011-12-14T11:51:00.004-05:00

As usual I really want all of this shit and as usual will get nothing. Fucking Santa.

Still waiting on that Taser asshole. Make with it ya fat fuck.

Listening to the soft sounds of Sade while taking a grinder would be pretty fucking awesome in my opinion.

A suite little radio controller helicopter like the one that schmuck plays with in Brookstone to try and get you to walk into the store. I stand outside the store and watch it. Pisses them off.

Kindle Fire.

Call of Duty X-Box the most gigs possible even though I will never use more than 75% of them. It's a dick measuring issue. Gotta have the gigs.

Keurig machine. The one that makes iced tea too, ya know, when I'm feeling faggoty.

Authentic Jose Reyes Marlin jersey so I can take a corn shit on it and mail it to his mother in the domincan republic.

Daddy wants a big green egg.

Ruhlman's Twenty Cookbook

Messermeister knives.

Pair of Johnston & Murphy Suffolk Venetian Black Shoe. And the Penn Slip-On's

Bose earplugs.

Bottle of Gentleman's Jack.

Portable Soundock, preferable from SONY.

I need underwear. Boxers. Don't care from where. As long as they can withstand numerous aerial assaults.

Flavorizer bars, mine are worn out.

And as always Santa, you can bring me a shoebox full of twenties.

He smiled at me

2011-12-09T14:31:00.003-05:00

The best Christmas song is Little Drummer Boy. The best version or recording of this song is performed by the Harry Simeone Chorale.

The debate ends here.

To all the girls.

2011-11-29T16:40:00.001-05:00

SMH

2011-11-16T13:31:00.002-05:00

"There's a doctor in Belgrade that just does this procedure the best of anywhere I've seen it. They take your clitoris and basically, kind of, use certain ligaments and stuff--make it a little bit bigger, release it, wire it so you can take a graft from your cheek...and they lengthen your urethra through it so you can urinate, and they put in testicular implants. You know, it'll be small, but you're going to be able to urinate through it...You'll be able to pee standing up....For me, the ultimate would be able to penetrate and have feeling." - Chazz Bono

If there were ever a senario in which God texted his son Jesus (which I believe happens) the letters "SMH" would be in play here.

Goodness.

Kindle Fire

2011-11-14T16:30:00.000-05:00

good read on the Amazon guy.

Amazon is pretty damn good by the way.

working papers

2011-11-04T15:22:00.000-04:00

Teaching work values at an early age. Don't judge.

Threesome

2011-11-04T15:21:00.000-04:00

Look at HER now

2011-10-29T10:42:00.000-04:00

Lets Go Mets

2011-10-28T12:35:00.003-04:00

25 years ago last night I was 6 years old. And with my dad I watched the Mets win the 1986 World Championship. It was a nice memory. I remember he jumped up in the air and banged his head on the ceiling fan. I didn't go to the parade but he did. He cleaned up after too. Worked for Dept. of Sanitation. He said he was never happier than that day to clean up a big mess like that. Compared to the NYE Times Square cleanup this was heaven. It's been awhile since the Mets won anything other than a division or wild card here and there.

Been too long. Happy Anniversary 86' Mets.

Nuts

2011-10-21T14:19:00.000-04:00

This is. Well..... this is just nuts.

Dressed for Dinner from adam kimmel on Vimeo.

Like a boss

2011-10-19T16:22:00.001-04:00

Gnocchi in brown butter.

have you ever wondered?

2011-10-13T10:27:00.001-04:00

How much shrimp would I have to eat at Red Lobster's "Endless Shrimp for $15.99" promotion to make it a net financial loss for the restaurant?

Answer: I work at Red Lobster. I don't know the specifics anymore, but our discount is huge. A big savings comes from the fact that all the shrimp is farmed, peeled, and prepped in Asia. It comes to the stores already breaded or with the sauce frozen to the shrimp puck. The Mexicans just drop it in the grease...

So Basically like 200 shrimps minimum. doubt anyone other than Joey Chestnut can bankrupt a Red Lobster on this deal.

"the Mexicans just drop it in the grease" is priceless.

Spreads

2011-10-04T12:05:00.002-04:00

An Option spread, the way i remember this stuff is by using these initials. ESSD.

Equal number of options
Same Class
Same Underlying Stock
Different strike or expiration

It's a buy and sell of the option so short call, sell and long call buy. Written and purchased on the same stock, same amount with a different strike or expiration date.

Two calls is a call spread, two puts is a put spread.

There are many spreads to do and most investors stick to basics, few however use exotic spreads.

Basics are bull and bear spreads. Bull meaning the object of the strategy is to have the underlying stock go up in value whereas the bear spread is the opposite.

Debit spreads and credit spreads are also basic strategies used.

The margin requirement on any spread is simply the same as a naked option. So whichever side is the sell would be the naked part and that's where you'd figure the option requirement. so 20% of the underlying stock price plus premium.

Options 101

2011-09-30T10:09:00.003-04:00

A call option is a right to buy shares at a set price (The strike price).
The investor wants to see the stock rise in price, this raises the intrinsic value of the option. As well as allows the long side to call away shares to buy at a lower price.

A put option is a right to sell at the strike price, investor of a long put wants to see the underlying stock drop so he can sell high.

A short call is when an investor writes or sells a call option. There is unlimited risk to this strategy because the price, theoretically, can go to infinity. Where as a naked put, the price can bottom at zero. Normally investors do this to take in the premium. The premium is the price of the option. so if the premium is $1.25 and the investor thinks the call will rise, betting the underlying stock will rise, he'll write a call and collect $125 for each call he writes.

A naked put is when an investor write or sells a put.

The margin requirement of any naked option, put or call is 20% of the underlying stock price plus premium. Example:

Brian writes 1 naked puts of IBM. Strike price is 100 and the premium is $2.00. Stock is trading at $90. So the calculation should be the following.

20% of $90 x 100 + 200 = 2000

First figure out the underlying stock price. That's 100 shares X $90 = 9000
9000 X 20% = 1800 plus premium which is $2.00 x 100 = 200
1800 + 200 = 2000

Your using 100 because one contract of the option you write represents 100 shares.

zukes

2011-09-28T15:51:00.000-04:00

Fried zucchini, one of my favorites.

Planking?

2011-09-22T09:22:00.000-04:00

Planking by a 4 year old.

Taking you out to the weekend, Like a Boss

2011-09-16T10:55:00.001-04:00

10 years ago

2011-09-11T05:55:00.004-04:00

Has it been 10 years? Wow. 21 years old. Life by the balls. Working at a brokerage firm. Had some decent skrilla in the pocket. Had a hot girlfriend. Having sex and shit all the time. Going out with friends. Enjoying Manhattan.

Then 9-11-2001 happened. Life just seemed to stop for a minute. Is this dust cloud coming at me right now? Am I walking on the FDR drive and over the Brooklyn Bridge? Are those thousands of dead birds? Is that ferry transporting body bags? That smells like burnt hair. This dust can't be good for me. Should we go back to work? Is the country going to get attacked tomorrow?

All these thoughts are passing through my head. And for years to come more thoughts. There is never closure for something like this. Ask the people who were around to see JFK get shot or Pearl Harbor. In time America's wounds will heal. Remembering the day 10 years later is a start.

Whatever happened to......

2011-08-30T12:08:00.002-04:00

Whatever happened to Ricki Lake? Remember her? I always wonder sometimes about random people and what they are doing now. As if it's so important for me to get closure on thier lives. Sally Jessie Raphael. The lil dude from Small Wonder. When I found out that Kevin from the Wonder Years was the voice of a cartoon my lil girl watches I was amazed. Like shit must have gotten real for him after that show. And what about his lil brother, Ben Savage. Boy Meets World. What is that lil faggot up to. I know Topanga probably got fat and married. She'll show up on dancing with the stars.

Fall me

2011-08-24T13:20:00.002-04:00

I know I've been neglecting you(z). Just been busy that's all. Like with work. Used to be a summer lull on Wall Street but these days it gets busier as the summer drags on.

I'm ready for fall. Football and no air conditioners and chilli and stews and leaves and candy corns and apples.

Japan is great

2011-08-15T17:36:00.000-04:00

Ever want to see a bee fuck up a praying mantis?

Your welcome.

Dope.

2011-08-12T13:58:00.000-04:00

Shaq Attack

2011-08-10T11:03:00.000-04:00

Hi. It's Wednesday. This shit is making me laugh.

Carlos Beltran, no longer a Met

2011-07-27T16:45:00.003-04:00

Es tan difícil decir adiós. Gracias muchacho.

Vacation over

2011-07-18T11:07:00.000-04:00

I'm back. I miss this.

Vacationing

2011-07-08T14:44:00.002-04:00

Got a week off coming up. Not like it matters on this blog but anyway I'm driving down to Ocean City, MD for a week of surf and sand.

And crabs.
And donuts. (Fractured Prune)
And Kohr's Ice Cream.
And Fisher's Caramel Popcorn.
And Candy Kitchen Fudge.
And Boardwalk Fries.
And Fried candy bars.
And Polish Water Ices.
And crabs.
And crabs.
And some crabs.

El Pad, out.

european man suit

2011-07-01T16:49:00.001-04:00

Can you return a Speedo? I'm guessing no. What if you walk into the store and want to try it on? I mean sure it goes by waist size I imagine but what about your junk. Just cuz I'm a 33 waist doesn't mean my junk will fit securely and snug in a 33 waist swimming brief. Feel me?

Progress

2011-06-28T11:26:00.001-04:00

Everything coming along nicely I'd say, finally. For more pics on the WTC contruction head over to Gothamist.com. Great stuff.

Twitter

2011-06-26T12:47:00.003-04:00

You are not going to believe but I thought of this idea of "micro-blogging" back in 2004. I wanted a venue where I can just jot down my thoughts, jokes, wisdom nuggets aka Gems and various other nonsense. My mind is always racing with some garbage and sometimes I just want to write it down. So since there was no Twitter yet I decided to just start a blog which is this thing. And now there is a Twitter. And someone is a millionaire.

The succession is so simple though right? You have an online journal, then a blog, then better blogs then someone said we need a microblogging platform. Then boom Twitter.

Now alot of people dont understand Twitter especially like old people or middle aged people like our parents and uncles aunts what have you. But Twitter is like a streaming news site but on your phone. Depending on who you follow right because you pretty much control your news flow. Outside of personal tweeting that's really the best use. I wish I would have nailed down this idea and then sold it but that was a pipe dream. Im not a computer guy, I know my way around them but to create the site from an IT solution type of way is just not in me.

The More You Know

2011-06-21T13:54:00.002-04:00

Did you know that clams have an anus? So if you like clams your eating clam asshole.

Did you know that Scallops can see? They have 100 simple eyes that respond to light and dark images.

Did you know that Oyesters can be both male and female since they have both sperm and eggs? Making it possible to impregnate themselves.

Did you know the Eiffel Tower is made from iron?

Did you know that Merino wool is called Merino wool because it is procured from the a species of sheep called "Merino" sheep?

Did you know New Zealand's largest export is dairy?

Did you know the first softball bat was a broom stick and the first softball "ball" was a tightened, tied up boxing glove?

Did you know that 52.5% of the world's cork comes from Portugal?

Did you know that Ho Chi Minh City was formely known as Saigon? And Mumbai was formely known as Bombay?

Sam J just enhances shit

2011-06-16T09:44:00.000-04:00

My daughter hates sleep. Like really fucking despises sleep and it's alwyas a chore to get her to lay down. Once she lays down it's the 100 questions game so I like to just read her books, calm her down. A while ago a friend tweeted me this link that led to this book on Amazon that was hot on pre-order. It's perfect. Because I've actually said this to my daughter before. GO THE FUCK TO SLEEP!

"Narrated by Samuel Jackson this book takes on a whole different level of greatness"

Hump Day Hottie of The Week

2011-06-15T12:19:00.003-04:00

Stacey Dash. I remember being like 15 years old and staying up late to watch skinemax at like 1 am. You could always find Stacey Dash naked at that time on that channel. Boinking. She was hot. Still got it going on.

Wash Your Apples

2011-06-13T08:55:00.002-04:00

98% of apples sold in produce sections all over the country contain pesticides.

Yet it's considered safe to eat. If it's considered safe to eat why publish a report saying 98% of apples have pesticides. Cuz then it sounds like you are saying it's not safe to eat. They say the nutrition from eating the fruit does you more good than ingesting a tiny bit of RAID residue.

Wash your apples. And your grapes.

Hump Day Hottie of the Week

2011-06-08T10:16:00.002-04:00

Zoe Saldana. She makes me want to take her on a carribean vacation and frolick in the white sand beaches. Cutie pie. Her bio says she's puerto rican and domincan so that makes sense. That's a crazy bitch for sure though. Good thing she is hot.

KITT

2011-06-06T12:43:00.004-04:00

Remember Knight Rider? One of my favorite shows ever. Just so cool. The premise, the car, the stories and of course the Hoff. First thing is, I had this big Tyke wheel bike as a kid. Then (and I couldn't find a pic) I had a regualr standard bike with a Kitt attachement on the front. Basically a replica of kitt in a mini plastic version that sat on top of the handle bars. With cool stickers and such. Yesterday while driving home from NJ i found this guy who had a replica of Kitt on his hitch. Was awesome. I'd pay like a million dollars to own that if I had a million dollars to spare.

Here's to Knight Rider.

A fork but?

2011-06-02T11:01:00.002-04:00

Ripping The Donald a new asshole. Jon Stewart is a hero now.

The Daily Show
Tags: Daily Show Full Episodes,Political Humor & Satire Blog,The Daily Show on Facebook

Memorial Day, Happy

2011-05-29T04:42:00.001-04:00

America the Beautiful, Ray Charles, 2009 from vegaskev on Vimeo.

Wither Me

2011-05-27T14:56:00.001-04:00

Today is Bill Withers is the shit day. Have a good one.

Hump Day Hottie of the Week

2011-05-25T15:55:00.000-04:00

Estella Warren. Sexy face.

The Macho Man

2011-05-24T05:41:00.001-04:00

I can't let the passing of a great go unoticed here at El Pad's house. So here is a clip from Wrestlemania 3 a great match with Steamboat. This had it all. Rake to the eyes, near falls, classic maneuvers and of course Miss Elizabeth.

RIP Randy Poffo.

I dont know what im doing anymore

2011-05-23T15:59:00.002-04:00

Do you like cookies that taste more like cake?

Do you like pancakes thick and fluffy or skinny and light?

Is high fructose corn syrup really such a bad thing?

If you had to pick one topping for a pizza would it hands down be pepperoni?

Does Britney Spears still "do it" for you?

Apples. Red or green?

I know this is a horrible question but if you had to pick a handicap which one would you pick?

Soap Operas. Yay or nay?

Turkey bacon is not real bacon, stop eating it.

hi

2011-05-17T16:52:00.000-04:00

Hump Day Hottie of the Week

2011-05-11T13:26:00.000-04:00

Maria Bartiromo is a personal crush. She might be attractive to some of you but to me I see all Woman. It must be because of her Wall Street knowldege that makes us love each other. Plus she's a Brooklyn girl. Brooklyn is awesome.

And yes Maria, it's that big.

Mango Salsa

2011-05-10T12:19:00.001-04:00

Why are Cinnabon's so damn sweet? And large? That thing is like 2000 calories on it's own.

Never got down with beef jerky. Just thinks it taste weird.

I'm in love with "buffalo style" sauce. Been throwing that shit on everything. What do you think of a buffalo chicken parmesean hero? Instead of marinara use buffalo sauce. Another gem.

Job is gettng pretty mundane lately, haven't been challenged in awhile. Too bad 90K jobs don't grow on trees cuz if they did I'd move.

Fucking headhunters. They act like they are sports agents. Call me back dicknose you ain't that busy.

For me, a perfect ending to a great meal (outside of head) is nice piece of chocolate.

My favorite Tic-Tac flavor is Wintergreen.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Hero's in a half shell, TURTLE POWER!

Vacation Booked.

2011-05-06T13:11:00.001-04:00

See you in July Ocean City!

Hump Day Hottie of the Week

2011-05-04T14:46:00.002-04:00

Kate Mara, NFL football goddess who is also a actress. She was quite sexy in The Shooter. Her grandfather owned the Giants and her mother is the daughter of the Steelers owner. Or something like that. Basically she's a genetic experiment of the Mara's and Rooney's. Giants and Steelers. Tits and ass. America.

Get over the hump.

US NAVY Reaction

2011-05-02T10:40:00.000-04:00

Cue the motherfucking National Anthem

2011-05-02T10:35:00.000-04:00

Captured Dead not Alive

2011-05-02T09:56:00.000-04:00

The spilled blood of a coward.

Justice. Can't wait to see the photos of his exploded head. Last night America handed out justice to the leader of Al Qaeda by eliminating it's cowardly leader Usama Bin Laden. More to come.

Mango Salsa

2011-04-29T12:33:00.002-04:00

Good thing they didn't coin seafood "oceanfood". Seafood sounds better.

Britain needs to stop with this royalty shit. It's 2011 retards. Get a life.

I like when the media or Hollywood people try and make a big deal when actors leave TV sitcoms or when TV sitcoms end. Like they are irreplaceable. Steve Carrell is leaving the office. Big deal. The show will be on syndication for the next 10 years or so minimum. And some other show at some point will be funny. Don't worry people. TV will entertain you again.

Back to the media/wedding for a minute. We got 200 people dead in the south from natural disasters and 99% of the media is sitting here covering two lymies getting married thousands of miles away. Something is fucked up here.

Bees are to sharks as sharks are to bees. And hear me out. You always hear marine biologists during shark week talk about how sharks are harmless and only attack when provoked or when they feel threatened. Then you hear the same thing about bees. And even though the chances of you dying from a shark bite or getting straight up devoured alive is greater than a bee sting it's a parallel that I have drawn that you cannot ignore.

Chew on that shit.

Hump Day Hottie of The Week

2011-04-27T11:48:00.003-04:00

Normally I hate gooks but Jamie Chung is kind of hot. I remember her from the Real World San Diego a MTV staple show. She does movies and shit now. No known nude roles.

Easter Sunday

2011-04-24T10:30:00.002-04:00

The Ressurection Dinner.

Easter Menu for today, 12 people total.

Antipasto

Cheese - Parmagianno Reggiano, Fresh Mozz, Smoked Mozz, White Cheddar, 4 year Jarlsberg and Aged Yellow Cheddar. Also Boccocino.

Meats - Soporessota (Hot and Sweet), Ham, Capicola, Proscuitto, Ham, Pepperoni

Easter Pie (Pizza Rustica), Stuffed Mushrooms, Shrimp Salad, Grilled Veggie platter (Asparagus, Eggplant, Zucchini), Roasted Peppers, Artichoke Hearts, Olive Salad, Grilled Bread, Lard Bread.

Pasta Course

Penne Ala Vodka, Rigatoni Marinara
Ensalada (Spinach and Mixed Greens)

Meat Course

Broken Leg of Lamb (Grilled), Pernil (Pork Shoulder)
Rice and Beans
Amarillos (Yellow Bananas Fried)

Hump Day Hottie of the Week

2011-04-20T09:12:00.000-04:00

Gusy meet Mayra Leal. She's totally naked in "Machete". The beginning of the movie. After that part the movie sucks balls. So your welcome.

Old Time Candy

2011-04-19T14:27:00.003-04:00

If you want to take a walk down memory lane look no further than this site . They have every single candy item that I remember loving and growing up with as a kid. Shockingly most of the candy I love had a shelf life of years before I was even born. Bubble Gum Cigars, yeah those were around during the 1940's. Candy Cigarettes too. Atomic Fireballs, the 50's. The recent items like Bubble Tape, Pixie Stix, Big League Chew which was my absolute favorite gum ever and ever, and Nerds and Runts are from the 1980's-90's. My youth. I never understood the love of candy buttons. Those long strips of paper with little candy nibs on them. Like 4 across. That was weird and labor intensive in my opinon. Wax Lips was another one of those candies I had trouble understanding. Now Wax Bottles with that syrup liquid in the middle was the shit. Pecan Logs, Chick-o-Sticks, Cowtales now that was candy. Bit-O-Honey and Now N Laters. Man I used to get into fistfights over Now n Laters. Damn thing would take out a tooth if I ate it now. Be careful not to spend $100 on that site. It's reallyy easy to do.

Mango Salsa

2011-04-14T16:00:00.003-04:00

Chinese music must sound awful. BOW CHOW KOW KAI BAI TAI and so on. Must be terrible. I can't imagine a ballad like song in that language. Just can't.

Every kiss does not begin with Kay. Fucking retarded ad.

How the fuck do you fold a fitted sheet properly?

It's been a long time since I had a real good piece of homeade fried chicken. Too long.

What's with the Pistachio commercials lately. And how come I never see the red dye ones anymore. Those were sweet. Whose crazy ass idea was that?

I wish Trump would slow down with this presidential campaign noise. You have no shot. Just stop it. Embarrassing yourself.

You guys ever wonder how Dinosaurs had sex? A T-Rex cock must have been HUGE. And the same thing applies for a T-Rex vagina. They probably used trees to masturbate.

Do animals masturbate? I think so. I mean, I had a dog. And he licked his nuts an awful lot.

I'm gonna end on that note. Awkward.

Hump Day Hottie of the Week

2011-04-13T13:24:00.002-04:00

Apologies for the lack of posts, been getting raped at work. Anyway to help you get over this tragedy please allow yourself to look at Kim K's ass.

Couch

2011-04-11T15:16:00.002-04:00

I want a new couch. The feather ratio in my center cushion is off a bit and it annoys me. Plus the kids have spoiled the microfiber material and it's red. I thought I'd like a red couch but I don't anymore. Couches are very important, especially for a married man. You never know when it will serve as a bed for the evening.

Hump Day Hottie of The Week

2011-04-06T07:42:00.000-04:00

How about some Carrie Underwood? What an angel.

NY METS

2011-04-01T12:52:00.000-04:00

Baseball. That is all.

Wifeisms

2011-03-29T10:41:00.005-04:00

Things you'll never hear your wife say:

Honey I love the beard you are growing. I'm going to blow you right now.

Hey babe, you and the boys should go to Vegas for a weekend.

Oh you finished all the beer? Want me to run out and get you more?

Hey later I was thinking we can have sex but this time I want you to climax as quickly as possible.

After I drug the kids to sleep you want to watch this porno tape with me? I picked it up today from the bodega.

I picked up the new Call of Duty game for you, I figure you can play that all night while I scrub the floors and rearrange the cabinets.

Grand Theft Auto

2011-03-25T12:50:00.003-04:00

Whatever happened to stealing cars? Without doing any research I'm gonna say that car theft has dropped in the past 10-15 years. Especially the past 5 or so years. Car theft used to be like an everyday occurence. You always heard of someone complaining of a stolen car. Now it seems like it don't happen often. I guess modern safety features on new/newer cars help that. Car jacks seem to be down too. I'm not complaining just observing.

Hump Day Hottie of the Week

2011-03-23T17:04:00.001-04:00

Remember Sarah Michelle Gellar in Cruel Intentions? Kinda hot. I was 19 when that came out. Sprung.

A poem about Spring that doesnt rhyme

2011-03-18T13:48:00.002-04:00

Soon my friends, soon.

The sun will be a burst of warmth, the grass will start to smell ripe again, the trees will start to bloom like a cupcake in the oven and the spring season will be underway. Soon. As we are travelling through lent season in anticipation of my favorite holiday outside of Xmas, Easter, it's nice to finally kick that cold winter in the twat. Mother Nature sure showed us her bitchy side. I recall vividly the mountains of snow on my block. I recall the bitter cold afterwards followed by another mountain of fresh snow. It sat around until lat February. Good riddance winter 2010/2011. Time for Noble Pils beer, March Madness, baseball optimism, Wrestlemania, leg of lamb, jelly beans and Jesus.

HUMP Day Hottie of the Week

2011-03-16T14:30:00.003-04:00

I remember being a teenager when she first came into my life as the co-host Singled Out. I also remember furiously beating off to her.

Reason #8 wikipedia is awesome

2011-03-15T16:14:00.002-04:00

Bored? Poke around here and the hours will just pass.

Some excerpts:

1995: A 39-year-old man committed suicide in Canberra, Australia by shooting himself three times with a pump action shotgun. The first shot passed through his chest and went out the other side. He reloaded and shot away his throat and part of his jaw. Breathing through the wound in his throat, he again reloaded, held the gun against his chest with his hands and operated the trigger with his toes. This shot entered the thoracic cavity and demolished the heart, killing him.

Lesson : Really? A shotgun. Really?

1994: Jeremy Brenno, a 16 year-old golfer from Gloversville, New York, was killed when he threw his club against a bench in a fit of rage, breaking the shaft. Part of the shaft bounced back and pierced his heart

Lesson : Fuck golf.

2004: Phillip Quinn, a 24-year-old American from Kent, Washington was killed during an attempt to heat up a lava lamp bulb on his kitchen stove while observing it from a few feet away. The heat built up pressure in the bulb until it exploded, spraying shards of glass. One shard pierced his heart, killing him.

Lesson : Lava is dangerous in all forms.

1991: Carl Hulsey, 77, of Cherokee County, Georgia, was butted to death by his pet goat. Hulsey had regularly hit the goat with a stick in an apparent attempt to make it more aggressive so it could act as a "guard dog" for Hulsey's home.

Lesson : Never fuck with a goat.

1987: Franco Brun, a 22-year-old prisoner at Toronto East Detention Centre, in Toronto, Ontario, choked to death after attempting to swallow a Gideon's Bible.

Lesson : Logic told me if you try to swallow a bible you will choke to death.

2010: Robert Gary Jones, 38, was jogging and listening to his iPod when he was hit from behind and killed by a small plane making an emergency landing on a beach in Hilton Head Island, South Carolina.

Lesson : Fuck jogging.

Things that really twist my sack #23

2011-03-14T14:28:00.002-04:00

What's the deal with metrosexuals? Why is it ok for dudes to get pedicures and manicures and use face creams and masks and wear tight ass jeans and gay colored clothing? Why? You know how I buy shampoo? I look at the bottom shelf cuz that's where the 99 cent joints are. I'd wash my hair with bar soap if my wife would let me. I don't even wear cologne. Well that's a lie, occasionally I'll spritz up a scent my wife likes in an effort to get in her pants but daily? No way. I want to smell like a man. I am a man. And crossing your leg. Where'd that shit come from? Hey listen if you want to be European be it in Europe. Love it or leave it fudgepacker. With your pencil eyebrows and whore smelling cologne. Metrosexuals really twist my sack.

this is what GAY looks like

2011-03-10T12:29:00.001-05:00

Best Video Ever. They'll never win again. Ever.

Hump Day Hottie of the Week

2011-03-09T09:48:00.001-05:00

Here comes the boom.

Mango Salsa

2011-03-08T16:03:00.002-05:00

So what happened to the Somali pirates?

Planes really are amazing you know.

What's the big deal with this Amanda Seyfried. She's busted man.

Charlie Sheen wins.

Kate Upton. #trending

Really I don't get pineapple on pizza. Just don't get it.

I wanna go to Carnival.

Next thing you know I'll be watching him play ball

2011-03-04T12:11:00.002-05:00

Three months go by fast. Lil man. Mini dude.

Hump Day Hottie of the Week

2011-03-02T11:50:00.002-05:00

Isla Fisher, aka the virgin in Wedding Crashers. She's sneaky hot and has an Australian accent in real life. I wanna put a collosal shrimp in her barbie', if you know what im sayin.

El Pad Hedge Fund

2011-03-01T13:40:00.002-05:00

If anyone wants to give me money I will invest it and return 15-25%. Serious. I accept paypal. If I can get enough capital raised maybe I'll lease an office and hire some people to help me. Who wants in? I can feel the excitement. You want burberry underwear and 40-foot yachts? Come see me.

I make shit happen.

Rant

2011-02-25T09:52:00.002-05:00

What is about rain that makes people lose their fucking minds? From driving to just walking down a crowded block people just forget how to function. It's fucking amazing. This morning I saw a guy, no lie, walking down the block with an umbrella that had a giant hole in the middle. His face was wet. Yet he still held the umbrella over his head. Normal looking cat too. Had a suit on. The fuck?

People just get dumb when it rains. I love when people board a train and just stop, like right in front of the entrance. UM, HELLO. THERE ARE MORE PEOPLE THAT HAVE TO GET ON THE FUCKING TRAIN. MOVE YOUR ASS. And then when I give them a nice shoulder charge they get all huffy. Bitch move.

The best is the umbrellas. I don't carry an umbrella because umbrellas are for women. All these cowards that are scared of rain they walk with the umbrella like they aren't an obsctruction. Just walking into a crowd with the umbrella not a care in the world if it knocks a guys eye out or if the water from the umbrella pours down onto someones shoulder. Mindless fucks.

Commerical

2011-02-24T10:31:00.001-05:00

Welcome home Carmelo.

Hump Day Hottie of the Week

2011-02-23T16:55:00.000-05:00

That's Misty. That is Misty's ass.

Jorge

2011-02-21T12:48:00.002-05:00

Remember the presidency is not always about the man but about the events that surrounded the presidency. - Somebody.

President's Day or Washington's birthday is just as patriotic as Veterans Day or Memorial Day or even Independence Day. So watch an hour of the History channel today before you go about your day. Our founding fathers, specifically George, were tremendous thoughtful and smart men.

Hump Day Hottie of the Week

2011-02-16T11:20:00.001-05:00

Not sure if you've ever been inside Brooklyn but you should come.

Brooklyn Decker, SI Swimsuit model hottie.

Smackdown

2011-02-15T12:35:00.001-05:00

The great one is back. The most electrifying man in sports entertainment. Rejoice.

History Questions

2011-02-11T11:48:00.002-05:00

My mind races about the silliest things sometimes. Like how people 8000 years ago or less decided that certain things that today we take for granted can be used or were used. Take cotton for example. A staple of the world economy. It grows, like a corn crop. Who the fuck was smart enough to say hey, guys stop eating the cotton that shit is nasty we can weave this shit into fabric and make clothes! The Indians were like fuck that I'd rather walk around naked with just this deer skin covering my sack. God damn meat peepers. Other random things that crossed my mind in regards to the discovery of certain goods/foods.

Who the fuck looked at a cocoa bean and made chocolate out of it. I mean you talk about a genius. You ever see a cocoa bean in it's raw state? Shit is hard to get into. It's wrapped in this giant pod, which inside is a smaller pod, which is encased in a shell which if not warmed to a certain temperture won't come off, then for the chocolate making process needs to be doctored to taste like a sweet confection. There is also a fermentation process that occurs. Sounds like alot of trial and error before someone made a chocolate bar out of this fickle seed.

Same thing with wine. Did you know wine making dates back to the Egyptians? Like 10,000 years ago. Sick right?

Serious, who is the wiseguy that looked at a shrimp and ate it? If I didn't know any better the shrimp looks like a swimming cockroach. I'm sure the dude ate it raw at first and was like man this is nasty. Or a lobster, looks like a damn monster down there. Or a clam, I'd suspect a clam was just a rock. I would never think to open it and eat whatever the hell that is.

Tobacco, who smoked it first. I wonder if they ate the leaves for like 2 years before one day it accidentally caught on fire and then bam, smoked it. A tobacco salad for lunch maybe?

Who tasted the good that bees left behind? If I saw an insect secreting some goo I wouldn't taste it. But I'm glad someone in ancient Egypt did because I love honey.

I mean sex? Man looks at penis, lady looks at her non penis thing. Man sticks penis in the hole. Man and woman experience euphoria. 9 months later a tiny man or lady drops from hole.

Most of these things date back to the thousand of years B.C. It could be that this period was the worlds most advanced if you think of what they were able to do with the raw land and the buildings, the politics and the communities or empires they were able to build. Ancient Egyptians, Romans, Greeks, etc. Mummificiation, bread making, wine making, linguistics, paintings, hunting, "congressional hearings", republics, laws, sport and kingdoms. I mean this is fascinating stuff. Forget our founding fathers, I read about them enough. They had nothing on whoever thought to make wine, have sex for pleasure and have sword fights in front of thousands of people.

Hump Day Woman of the Week

2011-02-09T17:16:00.001-05:00

Hump Day Woman of the Week.

Natalie Zea, playing Winona Hawkins on FX's new smash hit Justified. Plays the ex-wife, sexy ex-wife of US Marshal Raylan Givens. What a sneaky hot lil bitch.

AAPL

2011-02-09T10:53:00.003-05:00

What you are looking at is a simple chart of Apple stock. It's a 5 year chart that takes us up to today. Basically since late 2009 you've seen this stock climb to astronomical prices. Today it's trading at 358.82 (at this time) and to me there is no end in sight. This company is the most valued in the world. In the world. I could see this stock easily in the mid 400's by the summer/fall and possibly into the 500 range on 2012. There is no stopping this stock. Not even the health of the CEO Steve Jobs, who is clearly battling some sort of agreessive cancer in one or maybe two of his key internal organs. The product line is so strong, so valuable there isn't a ceiling for a company like this. The only way this stops is from some sort of catastrophe like an accounting scandal or the worlds end. If you can afford it. Buy it.

More stats.

Super Bowl Sunday

2011-02-04T09:29:00.003-05:00

I was going to write about rising commodity prices today but fuck that it's the Friday before the Super Bowl so I have to start letting my brain relax and prepare for food alcohol comsumption.

One word.

WINGS.

Rooting for the Packers. Screw Pittsburgh. Went to Green Bay almost 4 years ago and it was a blast. Great team, tons of history, awesome town and good people. Wisconsin is alright with me.

Hump day's How ya doing girl of the week

2011-02-02T17:00:00.002-05:00

Hey Alana, how you doing.

Super Bowl Week

2011-01-31T14:57:00.003-05:00

Giddy up it's less than a week from one of my favorite holidays. Super Bowl! For me it's Christmas, Easter, then Super Bowl, then July 4th as my favorite holidays. And dont tell me The Super Bowl isn't a holiday. Cuz it is. Let's do the checklist:

Large gathering with family and friends? : CHECK
Large amount of foods consumed? : CHECK
Yearly occurence? : CHECK
Observance of a national significance accompanied by a celebration or festivities? : CHECK (football)

That about does it. Holiday.

how ya doin

2011-01-26T14:51:00.000-05:00

Mango Salsa

2011-01-24T15:36:00.003-05:00

I wish we lived in a world where no one would get their feelings hurt and everyone would be normal. I don't want to disappoint anyone so please don't have any expectations of my behavior towards you. I will treat you the same. I just want to live, eat and be happy. The human is a fickle beast.

Football trip is back on this year. Gaylord friend wants to see Peyton so it looks like Indy. I want to go to Seattle, stadium/city looks awesome on TV and the internets.

RIP Jack LaLanne, what a legend.

Nothing like a nice artic blast to wake up the ballsack in the morning huh?

Best thing about winter is Mallomars.

I just don't want to be 50 years old and still worrying about money but it seems like that is the way it's going to be. Career change? Maybe. Can't just sit at a desk and collect 250K a year like you used to in this business. Always a bullseye on your back.

I once shot an elephant while in my pajamas. Not sure why he was wearing my pajamas.

I'm a poet

2011-01-19T13:18:00.002-05:00

thought i wanted more
that's insane at it's core
i dont mean to be a bore
but i wanted four
i will never have more
fuck me for wanting four

kids are wonderful but don't put a number on how many you want cuz chances are that number will be reduced severly after having one, unless you are one of those cat freaks or hoarders who hoard children

that is all

My Restaurant Empire

2011-01-13T11:00:00.003-05:00

I imagine, because I love food and enjoy company, my restaurant empire all the time. What i'd look like, menu items, locations and most importantly names. I'm a dreamer. Here are the names of my restaurants.

Cheeks - A giant sportsbar, similar to Hooters except the focus is on ass. Womans ass. Is this a riff on Hooters? Some may think so but I'm a leg and ass man not a boob man. Don't get that confused with saying I don't like boobs. I do. But i'd rather bury my face in a perfect ass than perfect boobs. Just sayin. Anyway so I like beer, wings, hot girls all in one place. What that makes me a pervert? A sexist? No, it makes me Amercian. Cheers to Cheeks! Menu would be quintessential bar food, focusing on my wings, my ribs, my burgers and my heros. Beer on tap to the tooth and giant plasmas all over. A true sportsbar. Waitresses would be required to wear poom poom shorts that leave little to the imagination. Itty bitty titties are allowed. Besides, if Hooters aint gonna hire them that's a lot of good asses going to waste. Who wants to invest?

The Musty Butt - This is my dive bar. A hidden gem that the neighborhood ends up falling in love with. Craft beers on tap, rustic dishes you wouldn't expect to find at a musty butt kind of place, a juke box, antique decor, booths, tables, bar seats and character. Everybofy knows everybody, maybe some board games, everything homeade, NO TV's!!!! (except for at the bar) just hood fun.

El Padrino's - Barrio style cheap spanish food. Spanish in a broad sense. I mean all over the map. Mexican specialties like traditional fish tacos, taquitos, flautas, etc. An authentic Tapas menu, a few island dishes like Arroz con pollo, Chulitos, Arepas, Roasted pig, mojo and everything else. Not too fancy but not like a cafeteria somewhere in the middle.

Della Feminia - My Italian venture. Classic neopolitan Italian dishes. Hearty pastas, fine proteins and fresh greens. I would hire an Itlalian pastry baker too so that desserts and late night espresso business was swift and profitable. 10 pastas, 5 pollo selections, 5 veal selections, 5 fish selections and 2 beef selections. Big antipasto menu and deep wine list. For an Italian place to work you have to nail the basics. Perfect sauce, great meatballs, fresh pastas and only the finest imported cheeses. The rest will follow if you can accomplish the basics.

Leonards - My pizzeria. With the craze of the imported ovens from Italy being all the rage I think I'd just rely on a simple coal oven. Just nail the ingredients and the dough. Pizza making, you'd think is easy but it's not. It's hard. There is alot of bad pizza out there. My style would be classic Neopoletana style pizza. Did you know the average american consumes 750 slices or 23 lbs of pizza every year? It sells. The name was my grandfathers confirmation name and was passed down to my dad and myself in the form of a middle name.

Making love to food part 1

2011-01-10T09:18:00.002-05:00

Sfogliatelle dear, I fucking love you. No it's more than comfortability, I fucking love you. I'm just thinking about our life together. I feel like I'm walking on a cloud. My penis is tingling right now.

I think I'm going to make it my business to eat one of these once a week until the day I die. It is so delicious. I wanna fuck it. Like it's gorgeous and everything. You know?

SNOWBALL FIIIIIGGGHHHTTTT!!!!

2011-01-06T16:38:00.001-05:00

Life Rule #78

2011-01-03T17:01:00.002-05:00

When someone says or uses the phrase/term I'm "out of town" they are lying and/or are murderers. I've watched alot of crime shows and seen a kajillion movies where the alibi for a suspect is "out of town" and almost always without fail that person ends up being the killer.

So you're not fooling me out of towner. Lying criminal.

My boss uses that term alot. Oh I'm out of town. Jerkoff. Probably sitting home watching Maury Povich. When I go somewhere I say "going to PA" "going to jersey" "going to Maryland". I never say I'm going out of town.

Life rule #78 - Out of town = lies/murder.

New Year, whatever

2010-12-30T15:02:00.003-05:00

New Years, so overated. Who gives a shit. New year, same shit. Instead of writing 10 when you fill out a check for a bill you have to pay you write 11. Sheer excitement. I mean let's face it you go to bed in 2010 the same man/woman you wake up to in 2011. Your cock aint bigger. Your fat hasn't slid off your hips. You make resolutions that last 20 minutes. It's a farce.

My favorite thing to do on New Years Eve was to hit up Atlantic City and gamble like a man possessed. But those days are over because I have kids. And kids, while wonderful little creatures of laughs, are also anchors. Strapped to your body until they are 40 years old. Because at least in AC, there was a chance, albeit a longshot, to start the New Years off a rich man. To start the new year off with something you didn't have before. It's really the only thing I want to do and when the kids turn 40 I'm gonna do it. I can hear AC calling me now.

Anyway Happy New Year if you're into that kind of thing.

Snow day

2010-12-28T12:05:00.003-05:00

SNOW

Is it a pain the ass to get to work? Yes.
Is it a pain in the ass to get your car out? Yes.
Is it a pain in the ass to go to the store? Yes.
But that doesnt mean I don't love it. Only communists don't like snow.

Goddamn supermarket, everyone acts like there will never be food again.....I hate people but I love snow.

spirit

2010-12-22T12:07:00.002-05:00

Baby it's cold outside. Xmas time is here, two days away from the feast of the year. 3 days away to prove what a cool daddy you are. I'm really starting to feel the Holiday spirit. This morning I drove in and I actually yielded to pedestrians! I never do that. Thanks Santa!

Crabs in marinara sauce
Grilled Lobster tails
Cold seafood salad
Fried Shrimp
Stuffed Squid
Baked clams

our version of the 7 fishes, no meats allowed and looks like only 6 and none of them are fishes. So it's not exactly traditional like in the old country.

For Xmas I go to her parents and I think they are doing a Prime Rib and a turkey.

I bought my daughter a two foot Gumball machine. Can't wait to see her reaction.
I remember, and I think I mentioned this already, but I remember when my parents bought me this bitchin Knight Rider bike. I mean waking up and seeing it assembled in front of the tree was at that point my greatest moment in life. I'm hoping to give my daughter these memories. And once my son is old enough him too. I mean it may be a commercial holiday now but at the time I though Santa was real and did this and it was such a good feeling. These memories drive xmas spirit.

Santa on Drugs

2010-12-20T14:55:00.003-05:00

Unfortunately Kris Kringle's brother was introduced to booze and crack cocaine. Shortly thereafter he fled the North Pole for the seedy underground of the NYC Subway.

That's all I have for now

2010-12-15T13:07:00.002-05:00

I'm back. Johnny Mathis seemed like a cool guy. You know that stupid dinner question? Like if you can choose 10 people to share a dinner with on a deserted island or whatever? I hate that question. I especially hate when people choose Jesus Christ as one of the dinner mates. Like Jesus would get deserted on a fucking island. He's gods son dumbass. He wouldnt be stranded on an island with some losers.